Late-Night Comics Take Aim At Trump's Latest 'Gold Card' Residency Program

Television's prominent comedians devoted their airtime mocking ex-President Donald Trump's just unveiled immigration program, dubbed the "gold card," describing it as a blatant pay-to-play scheme for the affluent.

Stephen Colbert's Witty Take

Starting his show, Stephen Colbert presented a satirical holiday tune targeting the president. "He's making a list, checking it twice, and then giving that list to the officials at ICE," he intoned. "The President ... destroys everything he touches."

The focus was the new program that permits overseas nationals to purchase U.S. residency for the price of a million dollars, with a "top-tier" version for five million. The program's page guarantees processing "with unprecedented speed."

"One note for you to wealthy applicants: prior to you pony up, what about Canada?" Colbert quipped.

He explained that the program is also meant to "extract cash" from firms wishing to hire foreign workers, involving hefty fees. "That is a lot of fees, though if you sign up, you additionally get free accommodation at a hotel of your selection – as long as it's the a specific Marriott," he said.

"The best screening the U.S. government has before done," remarked Commerce Secretary Howard Lutnick, "that $15,000 vetting to ensure these applicants completely qualify to be in America."

"That is important, you have to prove you're fit to be an American," Colbert deadpanned. "The initial query: how many burgers would you eat for a free T-shirt?"

Jimmy Kimmel's Scathing Commentary

On his own program, Jimmy Kimmel labeled the visa program the "Get Into America Express Card."

"This is a card that will let affluent overseas citizens to live here," he explained. "In exchange for a million dollars, you get official resident status, you get a pathway to citizenship, and a presidential pardon for one serious crime of your selection."

"Perhaps it's time to revise that message on the Statue of Liberty – forget about your poor masses. Pay a million bucks, you're in!" he remarked.

Kimmel mocked the lack of detail of the application, observing it is "tougher to start a Wordle account." He remarked that Trump "believes citizenship is something you can sell, like a condo."

"Indeed, the top people are the rich people," Kimmel quipped. "That's what Jesus constantly said! Read it in the Bible. He says it's easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle if you pay the needle a million dollars."

Seth Meyers on Affordability Struggles

On another network, Seth Meyers focused on Trump's declining approval ratings amid financial concerns. "People gave Donald Trump a second term because they were angry about the economy," he explained.

Recently, in a effort to address prices, Trump held a briefing in front of a display of grocery items, where he behaved strangely to boxes of cereal.

"What a nice job, I think I'm going to take a few of them back to my place and have a lot of fun," Trump remarked. "Like the Cheerios, I haven't seen Cheerios in a ages."

"He is so incredibly weird," Meyers said. "What do you mean, you're going to take them back to your cottage to have a lot of fun with them? What are you gonna do with those Cheerios?"

Meyers concluded by targeting conservative news arguments of Trump's financial performance. "Perhaps instead of voicing concerns, you should give him a sparkling trophy similar to what FIFA did," he joked.